Well, at least it started off okay. I was a little worried that I would spend New Year’s Eve alone just like Christmas Eve, but I got a wonderful text message from my special girl that we would be having dinner and spending the night together. My plan quickly went into action. I visited her fav restaurant to make our reservations, then raced next door to order a dozen red roses in a vase for the table. I took the flowers back to the restaurant and asked them to make certain they were on our table for eight o’clock. Yes, I was a little nervous that she would be annoyed at my expression of love, but it was what I felt and wanted to do for her.

The reservations meant little, as they kept us waiting for an hour anyway, but as we approached our table and she saw the roses, she was thrilled! She thanked me over and over, saying how gorgeous they were. We had a wonderful meal and she got all affectionate. Probably more the wine than me, but I loved it. We got back to her place in time to open and pour the champagne I had brought into the champagne flutes in time for the ball to drop in Times Square. We kissed at midnight, just as I had hoped and then spent a wonderful night together. It was heaven.

New Year’s Day it was back to reality. She picked her daughter up from her sleepover, so all the affection we had been showing each other ended abruptly. I was back to being just the “friend”. Her daughter and I played WII while she was busy with the computer, chatting with all her friends catching up on New Year’s Eve messages she had ignored last night. The home phone starting ringing as well, and this was the first sign of trouble. As soon as the phone rang they would run into the bedroom and close the door, leaving me alone and wondering why all the secrecy? At one point, after a very long time alone, I could feel myself getting angry, so I went out on the excuse of taking out the recycling to get a breather and calm down. I was annoyed and hurt, but also determined not to spoil our time together. We ordered in Chinese food and had a nice evening, although she spent pretty well all of it on the computer, either playing her game or chatting with friends. Her daughter and I played WII. When it came time for bed I wanted to end all this lying and simply sleep with my girlfriend. Not a chance, so I spent the night on the uncomfortable couch, wondering why.

This morning they both slept in and I saved their breakfasts for them. Her daughter and I played WII again, while she was either on the computer or chatting or on the phone, again in her room. Obviously I was not to hear who she was talking to or what it was about. At one point she asked me to babysit because she was going out to play pool with the girls tonight. I said I would. Her daughter and I had been talking about her upcoming birthday party and we had discussed doing a murder mystery theme party, which she was all excited about. She wanted to go and see what games we could get and this was the first sign of trouble. When I joked that she could stay home and would probably be on the computer anyway, she got angry with me and told me she didn’t appreciate it. She then said she had other things to do and I said her daughter and I would go shop, but she insisted on coming, even though she was unhappy about it. We drove in silence and she wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. When we were finally alone in one of the stores she told me she didn’t appreciate me talking about the murder mystery idea because she didn’t want to do that, yet she had been right there when we all talked about it and she was planning where every one could sleepover. I asked why she just hadn’t said anything to me?

I got a movie for her daughter and I to watch tonight and on the very silent trip home I asked what time she was going out with her friends. This is between text messages flying back and forth, none of which she told me what they were about. She told me they weren’t going now and when I questioned why not she got all pissy with me, saying that they were going and now they weren’t, as though I had no reason to ask about it. Having been treated like a leper all day, that was the last straw for me. When we got back to her place I packed my stuff and left. I felt bad that her daughter wanted me to stay; that I was going to cook a roast, and spend a nice evening with her daughter, but enough is enough!

I had tried very hard to do my very best for her and to treat her as good as anyone ever could, but I don’t get the same courtesy in return. I know she doesn’t love me back, but I at least think I deserve to be treated as a friend. Being ignored all the time I am there by her playing on the computer; rushing to her room when the phone rings to talk in private, and never even casually saying anything about all the text messages, only serves to make me feel like nothing more than a convenience – someone to cook and clean and do whatever she needs me to, without even the basic respect of a friend. I can’t imagine her even having a girlfriend over and not paying any attention to her, playing on the computer for hours or leaving her alone while she talks to whoever on the phone in her room. Even a girlfriend would think that was completely ignorant and she wouldn’t stick around for the abuse either. I don’t know why I am expected to be treated like that. It seems the more I give, the less I get.

I know to anyone reading this you must think me nuts to say I am so in love with her, but there are so many incredible things about her that I do love. She can be the most incredible woman I have ever met in my life and she acts, sometimes, like she does care for me, but then she flips the switch and is just plain abusive and disrespectful to me and I wonder what I am doing here? I don’t do anything to deserve how she treats me sometimes. I treat her like gold and simply love her, but it is not enough, I guess. As much as it kills me to admit it, I know I am only kidding myself that she will ever feel the way I do and show me the kind of love I show her. Both her and her daughter have meant so much in my life. I am where I am today because I fell so very much in love with her. I honestly believed we were perfect for each other and that I would spend the rest of my life with her. I know, a truly hopeless romantic. I look back at things like the amazing days we had in Toronto, all the poetry I wrote to her, the hours we spent talking on the phone, the most amazing love-making in my entire life, and romantic moments like New Year’s, and I can’t help but beat myself up as to what I am doing wrong here, but that solves nothing. It is painfully clear that she does not want me in her life as an equal or anything more than a friend, and even that I am not sure about given how she treats me with such disrespect. There’s a giant hole in my heart and I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and all alone in the world.