It’s a known fact that suicide rates are the highest at Christmas. Why? I think it is because we have all grown up with various Christmas traditions, most of them centering around family and friends. For me Christmas was a time of great joy, sharing the spirit of Christmas, first with my own mother, father, brother and sister, and all of our extended family. Every Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Frank and Aunt Daisy’s place in Toronto to see family we hardly ever saw throughout the rest of the year. My Uncle Cliff always opened a giant box of gag gifts, lovingly put together by the family. It was always a hoot and something we looked forward to all year. He’s gone now, along with most of the older family, including my own mum and dad.

Traditions were continued with my own family. My kids got to open one gift on Christmas Eve. Our tree was always a giant real tree, decorated differently every year. The family always came over on Christmas Eve and looked forward to seeing what I had come up with each year for the tree. One of my favorites was the year I did it all in miniature birds. Not only was the tree done with all sorts of different types of birds, but the banister and the mantle were also done with bows and birds. I wish I had pictures to share as it was a sight to behold. My father-in-law, bless his soul, and my dear Auntie Ann, would always get into a lively discussion over something, and then we all knew it was truly Christmas.

Christmas morning was always a time of great excitement and anticipation as the kids couldn’t wait to see what Santa had brought. We enjoyed our coffee and Bailey’s while we watched the kids open their gifts. My son, Christopher, was originally in charge of distributing the gifts, making sure to give each person one in turn, and they opened it while we all shared their joy. My daughter, Heather, eventually took over the job from Chris. Many years later I shared Christmas mornings with others in my life who didn’t do the one gift at a time thing, and it was chaos. No one ever remembered who gave who what and it was all over all too quickly. Our tradition was much better, in my mind. Everyone got to share each gift and we always remembered and thanked whoever gave what. After the gifts were opened I cooked breakfast and we always had our Malt toast, something I have not been able to get over the years, especially out West, where it is not available.

We split up in ’92 and I moved West in ’93. Christmas changed a lot as I was now part of my Mum and Dad’s Christmas, but many of the traditions were the same. No matter how good it might be though, I always had a tough time getting through Christmas without my kids. Nothing could replace spending it with them. For various reasons I have explained elsewhere, I have not spent Christmas with my kids in seventeen long years and not one season goes by that I don’t miss them terribly.

Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly, and Mum suffered from advanced Alzheimer’s, so Christmas changed dramatically, of course. I was a full-time caregiver to my Mum, and I knew our first Christmas without Dad was going to be tough. I did my best to arrange to have as traditional a Christmas as we could, but my sister totally screwed it up, deciding at the last minute that we would celebrate Christmas three days early so they could go to Vegas. It was a horrible year.

We lost my Mum in the fall of 2007, which was merciful because by then she had no idea who anybody was. She had wasted away to a shell of her former self and was riddled with cancer and zero quality of life. My sister had taken her out of the care home I had spent eight months getting her into, and basically killed her by putting her in a bed and breakfast type place that had no clue how to care for her. My mother was found wandering the streets with no clue where she was or why she was there. It was all very tragic.

Christmas of 2007 was spent traveling to Panama, arriving on Boxing Day. I remember how surprised I was at how big Christmas is in Panama. My taxi driver drove me around Panama City to see all the lights before catching my bus to David.

Christmas last year was shaping up to be the first in my life that I was alone, but my girlfriend at the time, Magaly, came to the house and spent the evening with me. We shared a few drinks and watched all the Christmas lights and fireworks in downtown Boquete. I was very thankful that I was not alone.

This year was the worst ever and the first time I ever spent Christmas Eve alone. It’s complicated, but my girlfriend was having all of her family over for Christmas dinner, most of whom do not know I exist, so I wasn’t invited. This year has been an incredible struggle for me, but I have found happiness in being with her and her daughter. I love them both to death, but the cold hard reality is that I am not as important to them as they are to me. If I am needed to help with anything I am the first one they need, but, if it’s something really important like Christmas Eve dinner, I am an outcast. Although I am supposed to be the “boyfriend” I am a secret to all of her friends and family, except her daughter. She has gone to several Christmas parties, but not with me. It makes me feel worthless and that she is somehow ashamed of me. I don’t see any other way to take it.

So, my message to you this Christmas is to find someone you love, but, most importantly, be sure they love you just as much in return. “I love you” is just something people can say to appease you when they know you are hopelessly in love with them. Pay attention to the “truth signs”. If they don’t want you to meet their family or friends, that’s a pretty clear sign they don’t really love you. If they shush you every time the phone rings because someone might hear your voice, that’s a sign they don’t really love you. If they go off to mixed parties alone and don’t want you there, that’s a solid sign that they don’t really love you. If they choose to exclude you from the most important night of your life, then rest assured, you are not someone special to them. You are nothing more than a convenience to be called upon when needed. If there’s nothing to be done, you are no one. Unlike me, pay close attention to the signs. Hey, I never said I was all that smart in matters of the heart.

Hope you all have the very best holiday season possible. If you are fortunate enough to have people in your life that love you, please, love them back just as much.