Add all the bank bail-outs and government money thrown at private industry, such as the automotive industry, and our heads are left swirling with million, billions and trillions and we have no real concept of how much money this really is.

This got me thinking about individuals who, like me, find themselves in the same situation, crippled by debt, job loss, family break-ups, drug addiction, abuse, wondering why they go on when there is so little hope. Many receive some form of government assistance, but this barely covers food and shelter. It does not provide any real hope for the future by helping people to turn their lives around or realize their dreams. Like me, many of these people also have great ideas to start businesses or develop products, but they have no capital to get started and they have no way to reach decision makers in existing companies to partner on their ideas.

So, the goal of this site remains the same, to save a life, one life at a time, but first we need to collectively raise the money to provide the help. My first goal is a million dollars, which I hope to increase to 10 million as soon as the one million has been raised. This is going to be a “grass roots” operation, with people donating what they can afford, as little as 99 cents if that’s all they can manage. This is the cost to register and this gets you on our mailing list. For $9.99 you get to register for help. For $99.99 you get to register for help, but you also get a chance to tell us your story on our member pages. Corporations, big and small, can register to become partners, with your presence on our site dictated by your donation. For $9,999 you can become a founding partner, with your logo, website links and copy included on everything we do. Even if you are just selling goods or services, for $9.99 you can be a vendor partner, with you link shown on our website. For $99.99 you can have a dedicated page with graphics, dynamic copy and links to your site. For $199.99 you can have your own mini site linked to our primary site, but with your own domain name search, registration, hosting and three page web design.

Let’s make this a world movement and show that we do care for our fellow man. This is not going to simply be a bail-out program for individuals. Tell us your story, but also include what you are going to do to turn your life around, how much money you need to do that, and what is your long term plan. There have been sites such as “pay off my credit card debt”, but this is not what we are. We want to help deserving individuals to help themselves. Please help to save a life, one life at a time.

When I returned to the centre from job searching I found my bed stripped. No idea why so I went to the office where they told me I couldn’t stay because I was on OW. When I told them again what the Centre of Hope told me, they said there was nothing they could do. They had received a call from OW late Friday afternoon telling them I was ineligible to stay, The guy at the desk said OW often does this just before closing on Fridays so there is no way to contact them. He told me to come back Monday morning and speak to a case worker. I told him I had nowhere to stay or eat for the weekend, but he said there was nothing he could do. This with the place half empty as well.

The strangest part in all of this is that I happened to start talking to a guy in exactly the same situation before we checked in. He had gone to the Centre of Hope for two days, but they told him he couldn’t stay either and sent him to the Mission. He told the Mission the exact same story I had, but he didn’t get kicked out. Makes no sense.

I just needed a little bit of help to get back on my feet and get off OW. I actually have a job interview on Monday morning, which I explained to the Mission. I asked what frame of mind did they think I would be in after sleeping in my car; not eating and not showering? Hardly the right preparation for a job interview. I have never been closer to giving up in my life. It all seems so hopeless.

I am at the end of my rope here. I could not be more desperate. I’m hungry. I’m lonely. I need a glimmer of hope that things will get better for me. Maybe let others you know about the site. I will be eternally grateful.

Thank you.

When I gave them all the information they asked for, they promptly showed me to my dorm and gave me the cook’s tour. I had no idea if or how I paid for this, but I thought it best not to ask the staff, deciding to ask someone staying there instead.

The very next morning there was a note on my bed telling me to speak to the office “immediately”. I was informed that, because I was on Ontario Works I could not stay there and was to leave. After much hand-ringing and discussions amongst staff, they agreed to let me pay for two nights and stay until Tuesday morning – today.

Last night I spoke with one of the only truly kind staff, who told me the problem was they should have told me not to come until August 1st. Had I done that I could have stayed for free for 42 days before I had to start paying. She told me to speak to the manager “first thing in the morning” because I had been misinformed and they might be able to back-date things and let me stay. I had a tiny glimmer of hope.

I went down to the front desk before eight to tell them I needed to speak to Stacey, the manager. I waited patiently in the lobby for almost three hours, but they finally told me to go and speak to the guy I could have seen at eight o’clock. He agreed that I had been “misinformed” by the staff and said that he would do what he could for me to see if they could correct their mistake. An hour or so later he called to tell me to get my stuff out. There was nothing he or anyone else could do. I asked him again if he agreed that they had made the error, and that this had cost me staying there for 42 days, something that would have allowed me to get back on my feet, eat, and find a job and a new place to live. He agreed, but said his hands were tied.

If you have never been in a position like mine in your life, well, good for you. You never want to be. But, if you have, you will know all too well what a huge difference the way this has turned out means to me. I have gone from that tiny glimmer of hope to total despair, all because I was “misinformed”.

The Salvation Army would tell you they are a charitable organization. I didn’t see it. .

My journey to the bottom has been full of challenges, some admittedly of my own doing, and others just plain bad luck. When I offered safe haven to the Panamanian family who were going to be out on the street for two weeks, how did I know it would end up taking me two weeks to get them out after calling the police, or that they would rip me off for everything I owned, leaving me virtually penniless in a foreign country? They never even paid me a cent of the eight hundred or so dollars I spent to feed their huge family. They left me with no choice but to return to Canada and, had it not been for the kind offer of a roof over my head from my cousin in Toronto, I have no idea what I could have done.

Life is what happens while you are making other plans, they say. By pure chance I met a woman on the internet who lived in London. We fell hopelessly in love, at least I thought so, and I ended up moving to London to be with her. Circumstances prevented us from living together, which I guess turned out to be the right thing. A few months into what I felt was the best relationship I had ever had in my life, and she spent the weekend with another man, who has now moved in with her, and I’m toast.

Thankfully a colleague had got me a job working for a call centre and this kept me alive for a few months at least. There were plans for another show in Calgary and, for a time, I was on my way to Calgary, which suited me just fine, as it got me out of here, but it all fell through and I was out of work. I spent all day, every day, doing my best to find a job, any job. Tim Horton’s, factory work, any kind of sales job, you name it. I was lucky enough to be selected from over three hundred candidates to get the job as Regional Manager for a wireless security company. They told me they had all kinds of “hot leads” for London and all I had to do was follow them up and close them. It was straight commission, but I was confident in the product and my abilities to close and I seized the opportunity like a pit-bull. Despite my efforts, The truth was they had no leads, no clients who had systems and no prospects of any kind.

I soon discovered that the market in London is like no other. Business here has no morals of any kind and no respect for your time and effort. Among many, many prospects was a recycling company who had four locations around London. I spent two full days visiting each location, taking pictures, drafting drawings, meeting with each location manager and preparing the detailed quote. I presented the quote and answered all of their questions. The final statement from the VP was they didn’t know if they would start with two locations, or go for all four. Needless to say, as someone who had spent his whole life in sales, I know a closing statement when I hear one. Keep in mind that this represented about a seven thousand dollar commission, which would change my whole life.

I gave it a few days for them to discuss it and then started following up with emails and phone calls. Nothing. No response. Days went by, then weeks and I could not figure out what I had done wrong, for the life of me. Finally I had our Head Office call and they told them the decision would be delayed for a month or two. Why they couldn’t tell me I will never know.

It was the same story with other prospects. I cold called. I emailed. I phoned. Our Marketing Department sent out a five hundred piece mailer to targeted accounts, a piece that had gotten a good response in other areas and closed some deals. London? Not one response. Our telemarketing department, in two months of calling, got one appointment, which turned out to be a total waste of time. After driving way out of town and spending an hour with the guy, he said he was “just curious” and had no need for a system right now. It was all becoming more and more hopeless.

At the same time I knew I was just about out of money. I hadn’t paid the rent, so I volunteered to do a bunch of work my landlady needed done. I was hoping to work off the rent I owed and, although I freely admit I should have got a firm agreement in place before starting all the work, I assumed she would offer, given that I did about fifty hours of work, completely reorganizing her disaster of a garage, repairing the railings around her above ground pool, building a bookcase unit and some small stuff. When the rent was done she didn’t offer me a dollar, in fact, I had spent some money on supplies and she calculated the rent right to the dollar.

Over the next couple of weeks she made my life a living hell. I was afraid to even run into her because she took every opportunity to yell at me and treat me like you know what. She shut the air-conditioning off on me, at a time when we have been suffering through a horrible heat wave. My place was the loft of the house, poorly insulated and not vented properly, so it was about forty degrees up there. I couldn’t work or sleep, which took its toll on me, this on top of not having my diabetic medications for six weeks. She impounded my bike and carrier, so I lost my only form of recreation and she became more threatening about what she would do if I didn’t come up with the rent for August as well. I was a mess.

When she told me she was going out of town for a couple of days I realized it was an opportunity to escape. I had nowhere to go, but I just prayed I would find somewhere. I knew I would crack if I didn’t get out of there fast. I took most of my stuff to my friend’s business and started running all over town looking for something. With all the students for Fanshawe college and the University, this is a crazy place to find anything decent. If I were a young female student, no problem, but there is nothing for an older man.. The places I looked at were disgusting and too expensive anyway.

With nowhere to go I ended up at the Salvation Army Centre of Hope. Having never been in a place like this before, I had no idea what to expect. After a lengthy check-in process, they showed me to my dorm room, shared with four other guys. Everything is pretty sparse, like one shower for about fifty guys on the floor and the blanket they give you is paper thin and the bed is like sleeping on cardboard, but it’s a roof over your head. Also, thankfully, cool, in fact, sometimes downright cold. There’s a TV room, but you can only watch what the first person in the room watches. No fun for a channel flicker like me.

Doesn’t sound too bad, right? Well, when they checked me in they asked me if I was on Ontario Works, which I am. They asked for my Health card, which they told me covered two nights. I had no idea what happened after that, but my brain couldn’t handle anything more right then, so I figured someone would tell me later. They kick you out of the place during the day, which is challenging enough now. No idea what you do in the winter. When I came back to my dorm there was a note on my bed to speak to the office “immediately”. They informed me that I had to pay $15 a night and I could pay in the morning. The first thing you have to do each morning is sign the bed sheet indicating you will be there for another night. If you don’t they give up your bed, cut your lock off if you have one and donate your “stuff” to charity. Nice. In the morning my name was not on the list and panic set in.

I went down and paid, then brought the receipt back to the floor office. When I handed the receipt to him he immediately told me I could not stay. I carefully explained what I had been told and, after writing a novel on their computer, he told me he would “do me a favor” and let me stay until Tuesday, but then I had to be out. We left it that I would speak to my Ontario Works case worker on Tuesday and take it from there. I have no idea what else to do. I looked at another place, but now I don’t have enough money to pay the rent he wants anyway. It’s all more than one man can take. I have never been so low in all my life or felt so helpless.

They kicked me out of the shelter today. Can’t win.

With the sole exception of cognitive problems, which, as far as I know, I don’t have, I have every other symptom. Yikes!

Dehydrated? Oh boy, am I! My tongue and mouth are like the proverbial Gobi desert. There’s not much room in my day for anything but drinking and peeing. My mouth gets so dry when I sleep that it wakes me up. About the only “remedy” I have found is to suck on ice all day.

Cardiovascular? For the first time in my entire life I am getting chest pains around my heart. I know as a diabetic I am a poster boy for a heart attack. Stress is also something to avoid, but when I get the chest pains, I can feel my anxiety level soar, which only makes it worse.

Circulation? A big warning sign for diabetics is your feet. Mine are swollen and painful as hell and even lying down doesn’t make the pain stop.

Muscular? Ever get those horrible Charlie Horse cramps? Man, they are brutal and I am getting them more and more, and in my feet. Not a good sign.

Teeth? Who would have ever thought there was a connection between diabetes and teeth? No sooner am I not taking my medications than I lose a giant crater filling I’ve had forever, plus a big piece of the outside of one of my teeth falls off. I’ll soon be gumming the food I don’t have.

Weakness? Oh yeah. I live in a loft, well, for now, and the bathroom, which I need frequently, is two flights down. By the time I make it back to my loft I have to catch my breath. I have always been active and in good shape for most of my life, so this sudden loss of stamina sucks.

Vision? Real trouble driving late at night and every once in a while I can’t read my computer.

Sexual? Let’s not go there and I have no one in my life right now for that to be a problem, but let’s just say it appears my boy has gone to sleep.

So, without my meds soon, looks like I’ll soon discover what Hyperglycemic Hyperosmolar Nonketotic Syndrome (HHNS) is. Not pretty!

I’m going to ask my doctor if he will check me into the hospital so I can get some emergency medication, probably major insulin needed by now, and for them to feed me. Bad as hospital food is, it’s better than the food I don’t have. Don’t have clue what else to do. I have 35 cents in my account and my employer won’t help me out. Sucks!

I’ll have to fire sale my car to pay out the balance I owe and pay Sieg back. Losing the car will mean I lose my job, just when things are starting to happen for me. I am doing our first install tomorrow of our wireless security system, and I have a huge quote out to a recycling firm, which looks very good, plus another client who will go ahead as soon as we install a system for the recycling company. My company just did a major 500 piece mail-out here in London and I know we will get some leads from it. It all just takes time, time I don’t have.

When I first created my website, onelifetosave.org, a year ago, I hoped that kind people would donate the price of a cup of coffee to help me to get back on my feet and then go on to help others in situations like mine. People who were willing to work hard and just needed a helping hand. The site has received numerous hits, but all from people wishing me well but not willing to donate that cup of coffee amount. I can’t pay my rent with good wishesl.

Many people no doubt feel I got what I deserved, but all I have ever done is try. I never meant to hurt anyone, ever. I have always done for others my whole life, believing in The Golden Rule, but it never seems to come back to me. I have never felt more alone in my life. Just when I think there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon something else comes along to knock me down. My health is suffering from all the stress. I’ve lost two major fillings recently, causing me a lot of pain. I am not eating well at all, which is not good for my diabetes, and I won’t be eating at all soon.

I don’t know what’s going to get me in the end. I don’t qualify for unemployment and I can’t even get welfare. The thought of starving to death is not good, especially with my diabetes, which will make it ugly. I don’t even know how to end it all. I don’t want any drama and just want to go peacefully, but I don’t even have the money for sleeping pills. I hate to burden anyone after I’m gone. My last will left the “arrangements” to someone who is now a very ex girlfriend, so I doubt she will want anything to do with it, not that I have anything to worry about. Once the car is sold and my debts repaid, my trusty laptop is the only real asset I have and it’s not worth much. Everything else can be donated to charity.

I will go out the same way I came in – naked and alone. Even if there were a service I know it certainly won’t be “standing room only”. My friends, mostly out west, have abandoned me long ago. It’s been eighteen years since I lived here in Ontario, so I am long forgotten by any friends I had back then. I’ve only spoken to my son once in those eighteen years and I had hoped we would reconnect and that I might even hear from my daughter again, but nothing ever came of it. I’ve tried over the years to reconnect with either of them, but failed. They wrote off my entire side of the family, losing touch with their Grandmother and Grandfather, who both loved them, but who are now both gone.

Know that I have never sat back and waited for things to happen for me. My life fell apart when I got involved in the fateful renovation of the house out west. I worked fourteen hours a day, seven days a week, for a year, only to lose everything when one of the Indian Chief’s shot his mouth off in the press saying anyone who bought on Indian land was just “stupid”. He killed any chance I ever had of being repaid for all my work. I left Canada on my doctor’s advice because he said the stress would kill me. Panama was even worse when I got ripped off for what little I owned, forcing me to return to Canada and stay with my cousin, who graciously kept me going for six months. My decision to move to London was based partly on love and partly because I felt I had a real business opportunity with Sieg, which never came together.

Day in and day out I have tried desperately to put business proposals together and try every idea I ever had to get something going. The world is a cruel place when you try to get in touch with anyone in any position of authority. Years ago I came up with a concept that would revolutionize the internet and I tried desperately to get in touch with Microsoft. A senior manager came back with they would never do what I was proposing in part, allowing people to use limited versions of their software online. Have you seen the news lately? So much for “never”. I’ve tried to pitch my concept to people like Google, Apple, Yahoo and Ning, but no one ever responds. I know what I have is a multi-million dollar idea, but no one will listen. I just wanted a tiny little piece of the millions they would make.

To my kids, if anyone can find them, Christopher Michael Jones, still in Brampton as far as I know, and Heather Tyrrell Jones (now married) and somewhere in Burlington, know that I have never stopped loving you and I think about you every single day. To the women I have been lucky enough to know in my life, some of whom I loved for a time, especially Tracy and Denise, thank you for the time we shared. You showed me how good love can be, even if it didn’t last. I would not trade a minute of what we had. To my little princess, Emily, thank you for all the laughs and how much you helped me to remember how great it was to have a daughter again. Have a wonderful life and if you think of me, think only good thoughts of the time we shared. To all the many friends I made in my life, know that I cherished having friends and that you all touched my life in so many ways. It hard to single anyone out from a very long list, but to those who supported me as true friends, like Wade and Bianca, you are dear friends in the truest sense. Everyone is a friend in good times, but you supported me when I needed it most.

My Dad made it to 81; my mum to 85. I hoped it was in my genes to at least make it that far as well. My body and mind are still sound, well, maybe not my mind. I just wanted the chance to work to get back on my feet and enjoy a normal life. I wanted to make friends and to laugh again and to be able to have a future. London is a cold town, where it is hard to make any friends or do business. It is the last place I expected to end up and it has been the final mistake of my life.

A last bit of advice, something many of you have already learned the hard way. No one cares. Make you own way in life and always look out for number one. Let those people who truly love you into your life, but always hold something back, except with your children. Don’t take on debt you don’t need. Pay cash. Build that nest egg so you will never find yourself needy. Pay attention to your health and stay active. Don’t let anyone put you down or take advantage of you, something I have done way too many times. My last dollar was always someone’s if they needed it, but don’t ever count on it coming back to you. If you give it, consider it a gift, never a loan or you will just end up disappointed. Stay clear of the law and try to avoid getting entangled with the government if you can. They operate on a different planet than the rest of us and have no clue what desperation is all about.

Most importantly, do your best to smile and be happy and don’t ever find yourself where I am today. It’s not pretty.

There’s another saying – “buddy can you spare a dime?” A dime won’t do much to help me out, but if anyone out there actually does care that I stick around, I’ll pay you back in spades for your kindness. I do not go out willingly. Make no mistake about that.

Today, after what seems like years of trying to overcome all the obstacles put in front of me, I find myself truly destitute. I am a diabetic and I survive only because of my regular medications. I have no money, so I haven’t had any medications now for several days. It is only a matter of time before this takes its toll on me. Already I feel the signs. My lips are tingling and I know my sugars are out of control. Diet is critical for diabetics, but I have no money for food. I am eating what scraps of food I have left, mainly bread and peanut butter, neither good for me. My car is about to be repossessed and I can’t pay my rent due on Tuesday. Stress is a killer for diabetics and mine is off the charts. I have not been without my medications since 2004, when I was first diagnosed, so I am entering uncharted waters here. I don’t know what will fail first or how bad it will be. I pray for a merciful end, but I believe I won’t be so lucky and I will go slowly and painfully. Certainly not how I thought my life would end.

In case you wonder how someone could die in a caring country like Canada, with such a great health care system, a last hope is our welfare system. If you qualify your meds are free, but I had been on the program several months ago. When I finally managed to get a job paying minimum wage in cash, I voluntarily claimed my income, even though thousands of people would not have, clearly abusing the system. For my honesty I was told I had been “overpaid”, which is ridiculous when you barely get enough to survive on in the first place. They have been hounding me to repay the overpayment, knowing I am not earning any money to survive, let alone pay them back. Even though without my meds I will die, there is no support from them to cover my medications. So much for a caring society.

I just wanted a chance to work hard and get back to a place where I supported myself and could live a normal life. It appears that is simply not possible. The odds are against me. All I can say is that I tried. Oh, how I’ve tried. I know I will not be missed. I would have given anything to just have had the opportunity to go on.

May you never find yourself all alone in the world, with no hope. It is a sad place to be.

First, the woman of my dreams, the one I thought was forever and the one I moved to London for, lied to me and spent a weekend with another man in Ottawa, and with her daughter no less. Then she casually told me she was going to Toronto to spend the weekend with him, doing the obvious, and I even accidentally discovered she took her favorite sex toys with her to make it even worse. Surviving that weekend was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I was a mess! Then, to top it all off, while she’s making love to me every weekend (when she has enough wine in her to want me) she tells me he’s moving in with her, next week! I am toast, obviously. Nine months of treating her like a queen, and this is the thanks I get? Brutal!

Enough you say? Yes, it is, but on top of that I am given one day’s notice that the company I have been working for, barely eking out a living these last few months, is shutting down. I have no money. I haven’t paid my rent. I am out of my medications. I can’t make my car payment. I have nowhere to go. I can’t get unemployment or social assistance. Yes, how much can one man take?

No one cares. I will not be missed. I am as close to giving up as I have ever been in my life. The only decision I have left is how to go. I don’t want to hurt anyone in the process, so I’ll just go quietly, I guess. Sad.

Some friends are, simply put, users. They want something from you and they will pretend to be your friend until they get what they want. I have had more than my fair share of these types of people. They befriend you, use you up and then throw you away. If you mistakenly thought they might be someone who really cared about you as a true friend, discovering you meant nothing to them can be very hard. The trick, one I have never learned, is to recognize the signs from the start, and not fall for their game. I think the best way would be to support them in every way you can, but then see what happens when you ask something in return. It can be something simple, like picking up groceries to make dinner for them, then see if they will do the same in return. Give them a ride somewhere and then ask the same in return. Help them fix something, or, like me, renovate their entire house, and then ask them to help you with something simple. You’ll soon learn that these so-called “friends” are nothing but users. The same is true if you have something they like, such as a boat or a pool. You quickly discover you have all these new friends. But, sell the boat or move somewhere with no pool, and they all just as quickly disappear. Never were true friends.

I discovered this the hard way. After helping people move, renovate, or whatever they needed, I had to move unexpectedly in the heat of the summer. I put the call out to my “friends” to ask for an hour or two of their time to help me. Not one of the people I had helped numerous times showed up. My one friend, George, who was really only an acquaintance from the Corral, did show up and worked tirelessly in the blazing heat for hours until we finally got everything done. I would have been lost without his help as I had things I could not lift. A true friend.

During my fifteen years in the Okanagan I made thirty or forty real friends. We did everything together and I believed I could call on them for anything. When circumstances forced me to leave the country to Panama I hoped to still stay in touch with all those friends back home. It was not to be. Out of sight, out of mind. They all just as quickly forgot me. Panama turned out to be a real challenge on so many levels and I had some very dark times, believing my life was over and there was no point in going on. When, at one point I had $21 to my name and was recovering from surgery to remove my gall bladder, with no food in the house, no power and my world collapsing around me, I could have used those friends. They deserted me. My cousin came to my rescue just in time and I managed to get back to Toronto, hoping to start over.

The only good thing to come out of Toronto at the time was meeting the love of my life online. She rekindled love in me and gave me something to look forward to. I ended up moving to London to be with her, and we had what I thought were the best times of our lives. I loved her completely. I trusted her totally. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. It was not to be. She lied to me and spent a weekend out of town with another man, and with her daughter to boot! Yes, the daughter I was not allowed to meet for months because it was “too soon”. This crushed me. I was a “dead man walking”. I sobbed uncontrollably and saw no reason to go on. I had lost the only thing left in my life of any value to me. I had been cheated on and lied to. I called out to friends to just help me get through this. I needed someone to tell me it would be okay. I needed someone to tell me I was not worthless. I needed a shoulder to cry on. I got nothing. Someone I thought was a friend here just blasted me for being so stupid as to move here for her. Not exactly helpful. Other friends online just went offline when I said I needed help. I was left all alone at the worst time possible. It all weighed very heavy on my soul. If I owned a gun, it would have been easy. I don’t and I’m still here, fumbling along with no sense of purpose.

So, if a friends calls out to you, answer the call. You just might save a life in the process.

I know I have certainly made some mistakes in my life, for which I am paying dearly, but I have always done my very best and never ever wanted to hurt anyone. Despite this, I know I have and I am truly sorry for any hurt I have caused anyone. It was never intentional. I seem to always be picking up the pieces of things gone wrong, just hoping that things will get better, but they only get worse. Tiny glimmers of hope are dashed by more and more challenges that come along.

The new year brings cause for reflection on the past and resolve to make things better, but I am faced with so many regrets and such an emptiness that I see no hope for the future. It has been a couple of years of incredible misfortune and bad decisions and my one “will to go on”, falling in love with someone who I had long given up ever finding, was my one beacon of light to keep me going. She altered the course of my life like no other and I am here in London only because I fell so hard for her. She brought me such joy, such romance, such promise of a better life, full of everlasting love with the woman of my dreams. It is just one more mistake that I thought we would be together forever. The signs were all there. We talked for hours. She couldn’t get through the day without hearing the sound of my voice. Our passion when we were together was something I had never experienced in my life, nor did I think was even possible. I honestly thought I had been in love before, but nothing compared to how I felt about her. She was what “you complete me” was all about. It was the first time I understood what that truly meant.

The last few months have been the reality of what the term “love is blind” really means. I chose to only see all the signs that she loved me in return, while ignoring all the “obvious to anyone else” signs that this was not what I believed it was for her. I do not consider myself a stupid man, yet, when I pay attention to those things I conveniently chose to ignore before, I feel like a total idiot for being so incredibly stupid. Sometimes when you wish for something to be so perfect, you miss all the all too obvious warning signs that it is not what you hoped for.

If I have learned anything from this it is a reaffirmation of my beliefs to always tell the truth and that any great relationship is based on trust and respect. I bought into her idea that it was just “not the right time to be public” with our relationship, yet it burned in my very soul that this meant lying to her daughter, someone incredibly important to me. When would the right time be and, when it came, how could I explain to her that I had been lying all this time? And why would it upset a child to know that someone loves her Mom to death? What sort of message does it send to an impressionable eleven year old when she is not to tell anyone I exist? Is she not just participating in the lies? She sees that I am kept from her brother and sister and all of her Mum’s friends, yet she knows I love her and her Mom. When she shushes me when the phone rings in case someone would hear me, does she understand why? How does this help her to respect me? I never understood any of this and all it made me feel was useless.

As hurtful as it is to admit, I now get it. If I was someone important to her, someone she respected and cared for, she would have never had a problem introducing me to her friends or family. I was simply the “closet boyfriend”, called upon when she needed something done or didn’t want to be alone. When friends or family called I was not needed anymore. This is why Christmas Eve was so hard for me to understand, and at the very time I told her how difficult Christmas was for me without my kids. I needed her more than ever that night, but my needs were secondary. New Year’s Eve was different. She needed me. And what woman doesn’t want to be loved on New Year’s Eve? It was magical and I will never forget this night, no matter how badly it has now turned out.

It is a very dark time for me. I am full of regrets. Without her love I am completely lost and have no idea what to do. The very thought of her with someone else rips a hole in my heart. I just want to run, but I have nowhere to go and no way to get there.

I write this blog as a cry for help, even though I know I have few friends left in the world who care if I live or die. I do want anyone reading this to know that this is not in any way anything against her. She never led me on or professed her undying love for me, in fact, she has not even said she loved me for a very long time now. She is an incredible woman and I sincerely hope she falls in love with someone as much as I have fallen for her. It is the regret of my life that this is not me, but I will always love her, no matter what. She has done what she felt was right for her and her family, and my loving her does not change that. Wishing she loved me does not make it happen. Please do not misunderstand that I am saying she has done anything wrong here. She hasn’t. It devastates me that she doesn’t care enough to make me public, but that is only because I love her. She doesn’t love me back, so making whatever it is we are public would only come back to haunt her. If her kids saw us as being in love that would be great and they would be happy for their Mom, but when she knows I am not what she wants in her life, then it would only look like a mistake to her family. I get it, painful as it is.

I am in a strange city, stuck in a barely minimum wage job. I have no friends here and no life. I have a car I can’t afford. I am deeply in debt with no real way to get out of it, short of winning the lottery. I can’t earn the love and respect of the only woman I have ever truly loved. I miss living out West, mostly for the lifestyle. I’d like to think the friends I made over the fifteen years I lived there miss me a little, but most of them make no attempt to stay in touch, so I guess I am a forgotten man. I remain deeply troubled about my kids. I never did anything to deserve being shut out of their lives all these years. I will go to my grave not understanding how they could be so cruel to their father. I am sixty years old with no hope of any retirement. I am dead broke and everything I have tried these months since I’ve been back has gone nowhere. I have submitted proposal after proposal on ideas I know would make money, but no one even acknowledges you any more. Companies are not open to original thought anymore because their lawyers are so worried about intellectual property. I have submitted product ideas to companies that don’t even respond. I have spent months developing a concept that would revolutionize the internet, submitting it to just about everyone, like Microsoft, Google, Apple, Ning and others, all with zero response. I even got a response from Steve Jobs personal iphone, asking for more info, but it went nowhere. People have no concept that you might be hanging on by a thread and that their actions could change a life, or save one. It is truly an uncaring and heartless world. No one will miss me.