onelifetosave

When I opened my eyes today, for the first time in my life, I wished I had not woken up at all. With the holidays I have completely messed up my meds and it would have been merciful if this had just let me go peacefully. Instead I wake to tears in my eyes and a heavy heart, full of sadness and regrets.

I know I have certainly made some mistakes in my life, for which I am paying dearly, but I have always done my very best and never ever wanted to hurt anyone. Despite this, I know I have and I am truly sorry for any hurt I have caused anyone. It was never intentional. I seem to always be picking up the pieces of things gone wrong, just hoping that things will get better, but they only get worse. Tiny glimmers of hope are dashed by more and more challenges that come along.
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Well, at least it started off okay. I was a little worried that I would spend New Year’s Eve alone just like Christmas Eve, but I got a wonderful text message from my special girl that we would be having dinner and spending the night together. My plan quickly went into action. I visited her fav restaurant to make our reservations, then raced next door to order a dozen red roses in a vase for the table. I took the flowers back to the restaurant and asked them to make certain they were on our table for eight o’clock. Yes, I was a little nervous that she would be annoyed at my expression of love, but it was what I felt and wanted to do for her.

The reservations meant little, as they kept us waiting for an hour anyway, but as we approached our table and she saw the roses, she was thrilled! She thanked me over and over, saying how gorgeous they were. We had a wonderful meal and she got all affectionate. Probably more the wine than me, but I loved it. We got back to her place in time to open and pour the champagne I had brought into the champagne flutes in time for the ball to drop in Times Square. We kissed at midnight, just as I had hoped and then spent a wonderful night together. It was heaven.
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It’s a known fact that suicide rates are the highest at Christmas. Why? I think it is because we have all grown up with various Christmas traditions, most of them centering around family and friends. For me Christmas was a time of great joy, sharing the spirit of Christmas, first with my own mother, father, brother and sister, and all of our extended family. Every Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Frank and Aunt Daisy’s place in Toronto to see family we hardly ever saw throughout the rest of the year. My Uncle Cliff always opened a giant box of gag gifts, lovingly put together by the family. It was always a hoot and something we looked forward to all year. He’s gone now, along with most of the older family, including my own mum and dad.
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Admittedly I write this very angry and upset. Just when you think nothing else can come along to beat you down, along comes HSBC, The Heartless Bank. After months of searching for any kind of work, without success, I finally managed to get a job at just above minimum wage, just in time for Christmas. Great, I thought! At least I might be able to get a couple of small things to try to celebrate the season.

I deposited my meager pay cheque on Sunday at the branch downtown. Last night I tried to take out $40 to do some Christmas shopping, but the system said “insufficient funds”. It also showed my available funds were more than forty dollars, so I was confused. I figured there was a problem with the machine and I would call in the morning.

When I called I was advised, for the first time, that all deposits are held for SIX days. No one told me this when I first opened the account months ago, or I would not have opened it. I have been with HSBC for some fifteen years, but this didn’t mean a thing to them. I called my branch to talk to my Account Manager, who said there was nothing she could do. When I explained that this was my Christmas money and I desperately needed it, she said she would speak to the manager. She came back saying there was nothing they could do, citing “policy”. So they have stolen what little money I had for Christmas, and don’t give a rat’s ass that they are destroying my Christmas. So much for the holiday spirit.

I have already reported this to one media outlet and I have filed formal complaints with the banks’ regulators. I will not rest until I make the bank as miserable as they have made me. I will be sure to tell anyone who comes within a three-foot radius to NEVER deal with HSBC. You have just been told.

Only a short two years ago my blood pressure was off the charts. My doctor told me in no uncertain terms that I had better find a way to get out from under all the stress. He said I was the “poster boy” for a heart attack. He put me on the needle for insulin and was going to prescribe something stronger for my blood pressure and hypertension.

Nothing changed in Panama, as the doctor there also wanted to start me on additional meds for my blood pressure, but I resisted as I knew, just like with my mother, this would be for the rest of my life. I hoped my health would improve from all the physical work I was doing. Unfortunately the stress of being ripped off by a Panamanian family and having everything stolen, plus being dead broke, only added to my stress levels. Having a gall bladder attack and being forced to have it removed in a third-world hospital also didn’t help.
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Just when you think you’ve had as much as you can take, more challenges come along to bite you in the ass. These past few years, actually ever since my Dad died in my arms, have been a series of calamities. As a diabetic it is so critical for me to avoid stress in my life, and it seems to be the exact opposite. From caring for my mother, who had Alzheimer’s, which only those of you who have been there know how incredibly challenging that can be, to working my tail off, fourteen hours a day, seven days a week, renovating a house, only to lose everything when I couldn’t sell it, my life spiraled downhill. My doctor warned me that if I did not get out from under all this stress I would have a heart attack. I had to take the drastic step of leaving the country because my creditors were coming after me. I left for Panama Christmas Eve of 2007 and arrived two days later in Boquete up in the mountains. From having a gall bladder attack, forcing me into a third world hospital and nearly killing me, to being ripped off by a Panamanian family who I had just tried to help, to having all sorts of things stolen from me, to meeting a wacko lawyer who threatened to have me beat up when her attempts to extort money from me failed, Panama was yet another disaster. I had a grand total of $21 in the bank and nowhere to go. It looked like the end for me.
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When things go wrong there are many sayings that people use to try to “buck up” and get on with their lives. One is “when one door closes, another one opens”, suggesting a “glass half full, not half empty” approach when things go badly for them. After what I went through in Panama there were no sayings that worked for me. I was barely hanging on ready to leave this world. I felt persecuted and abandoned by just about everyone. They all wanted a piece of me and didn’t give a rat’s ass that I was on the verge of giving up.
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This morning, at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am, as I sat on the throne contemplating the day ahead, a large spider crawled within a couple of inches of my foot. Anyone who knows how much I like spiders knows how joyfully freaked out this made me. Not exactly a great start to a tough day ahead. [Read the story...]

As I spiral down into the abyss of depression, questioning my decision to come to Panama and reflecting on all that has gone so terribly wrong over the past year, I think of all the things I miss about my life in Canada.

There are so many things we take for granted living in Canada, things you don’t give a second thought to until they are gone. Everything from a decent steak to going to the movies.

But my life in Canada, particularly the past fifteen years living in the Okanagan, was all about the people in my life and it was filled with so many wonderful memories.

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