This morning, at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am, as I sat on the throne contemplating the day ahead, a large spider crawled within a couple of inches of my foot. Anyone who knows how much I like spiders knows how joyfully freaked out this made me. Not exactly a great start to a tough day ahead. [Read the story...]
As I spiral down into the abyss of depression, questioning my decision to come to Panama and reflecting on all that has gone so terribly wrong over the past year, I think of all the things I miss about my life in Canada.
There are so many things we take for granted living in Canada, things you don’t give a second thought to until they are gone. Everything from a decent steak to going to the movies.
But my life in Canada, particularly the past fifteen years living in the Okanagan, was all about the people in my life and it was filled with so many wonderful memories.
And a tumultuous year it has been! This time tomorrow, a year ago, I was waking up at the Hotel Fundadoras in downtown Boquete, trying to recover from getting here. I had caught a bus out of Westbank to Vancouver on Christmas Eve, flew to Mexico City on Christmas Day, then on to Panama on Boxing Day, taken a bus to David and, finally, a taxi to Boquete. Although I did get some sleep in Mexico City, it was not possible to sleep on the buses anywhere, so I was pretty blitzed. [Read the story...]
For many people, including me, the holidays can be a time of overwhelming sorrow and depression. It is a time to celebrate with friends and family and share the sheer joy of the season. But for those of us without close friends around us or any family, it is simply a time that brings reflection on better times and highlights the desperation of our current lives.
Yes, I too once had the “perfect” family - a wife and two wonderful children, a boy and a girl, the so-called “millionaire” family. No idea why it’s called that as there was certainly no million. Christmas was a time to share the excitement and anticipation of all those perfect gifts; to visit with family from afar; to share wonderful special meals; to play with all the kid’s new toys and to just bask in the warmth of feelings of love all around you. It truly was special in every way.
If you have shared any of my other stories about what happened with my kids then you know I have not seen them in over fifteen years. Despite sharing the holidays with my wonderful parents since leaving Ontario, Christmas Day was always very difficult without the kids. Without all those wonderful traditions we had for so many years - the excitement of opening their presents, our special morning coffee with Baileys, only on Christmas, and me cooking a big breakfast for us all to share after the gifts were opened, it was just never the same. It was never MY family Christmas.
I lost my father in May, very suddenly, two years ago and my mother, who was suffering from advanced Alzheimer’s, last year, so now there is no family left. Last Christmas was a non event, because I left Christmas Eve to travel to Panama. It was a dark and lonely time, but I was consumed with just getting here to Panama. All I remember was seeing all the colorful lights of Panama City when I arrived, but I had little Christmas spirit.
This year is my first Christmas in Panama, but it comes at a time when I am hanging on by a thread. It has not been a good year and I have gradually been spinning down into the lowest point of my life. Thanks to many bad things happening, some beyond my control, like losing a fortune on the sale of my house back in Canada, to being ripped off by a Panamanian family I had just tried to help, the future is bleak. I am within a heartbeat of having no money to live on. None. No food. No medications for my diabetes. No way to go to Costa Rica for my tourist visa renewal. And certainly no way to celebrate Christmas, even if I could bring myself to even try.
This Christmas, quite possibly my last on this earth, will only serve to bring focus on the mistakes of my life and how, no matter how hard I have tried to be a good person, it all doesn’t matter when you have no money. No one cares whether you live or die. No one will miss you when you’re gone. It is a sad commentary on the sum total of my life.
How do some people sleep at night, knowing how evil they are? Those of you following the saga know how badly I got ripped off by a Panamanian, whose family I was only trying to help, and how she then stole things from me right out of the house in front of the police.
Now I discover that the posters she had been putting up for me at our local supermarket, Romero’s, which she told me cost $25 a month, are, in fact, FREE! She put up three of these for me and pocketed my $75. Just more salt in the wound. How can someone only 22 years old look you right in the eye and lie straight to your face? The first time she posted one I was most upset at Romero’s charging such an exhorbitant fee, but she defended it saying there was a lot of traffic at the store, and they knew that. She urged me not to “cause trouble” by speaking to the manager. What a story!
My site is ready and the PayPal link finally works, not the way I wanted it to, but that’s another story. I hope you will find something about my story that will encourage you to tell your friends about it. I am hoping that thousands of people will take just a moment from their busy lives to donate a dollar or two to help make a difference in my life, and others in the future. It has been difficult for me to accept where I am and even more difficult to ask for help. I am embarassed to be going so public, but I hope you see this as a sign of how desperate I truly am. In the days ahead I hope to be able to write how your dollars have changed my life and allowed me to go on, and to hopefully help others as well. Thank you!
This site is simply my desperate attempt to get someone, anyone, to care about another person. I want to believe that the world is full of good people who will take the time from their busy lives to show they care about a total stranger and make a small donation to make a difference. This is not a scam or a money-making venture. I need help before it’s too late, then I will hopefully be able to help others in similar dire straits.
My comment to be “vewy, vewy careful”; was an understatement. They showed up with the police in hand and, despite having no rental contract or any evidence what-so-ever that they paid me a dime, because they haven’t, the police forced me to open the gates and let them have their stuff, under threat of arrest. [Read the story...]
A Panamanian person, who I had thought was a good friend, had some trouble with her landlord and was given short notice to move out of their house. She found another house, but it would not be available for two weeks, so she asked me if she could store their things at a house I manage for owners in Canada. I have lots of room and was glad to help.
The only two inevitable things in life are death and taxes. Taxes are beyond one’s control, but what about death?
Until someone discovers the “fountain of youth” or a way to achieve immortality, we all know we are going to die, right? Most people, although they know it will happen some day, prefer it doesn’t come too early in life, or that they see it coming, such as those moments right before the train hits, or that it is slow and painful, such as cancer. [Read the story...]
